Monday, November 20, 2006
The calm before the form
We are currently in that period of formula one in the year where basically nothing is happening.
The journalists have finished reviewing the season and voting on the best and worst aspects. But the testing of next years cars hasn't started yet so they can't talk about next year yet.
It's a tough one to deal with for them all and they've basically gone for one of three options. 1) The proper write ups of non-story rumours that they wouldn't print in the rest of the year 2) In depth interviews with random back markers who are the only people who are still looking for a job 3) articles about sponsors which really aren't that thrilling.
Well the way I see it we can do better than this lot. So I hereby lay down the gauntlet. All the replies to this article should be in the vein of one of those types of article, should be funny (or at least an attempt at funny) and completely untrue. Good luck.
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According to rumours I have just made up, sources close to Elvis' estate are saying that Graceland are thinking of sponsoring a formula one team for a vast sum of money. A spokesman for Red Bull said, "That while we have not been in talks with the record label a sponsorship deal of this kind would be very beneficial. Just think about how much music Mark Webber has to listen to out on the track and currently we have to pay for every track we listen to. Obviously it's less relevant for us because David can pick up Radio One on his chin. But I believe Ralf is a big Elvis fan.
I just heard from Big Steve down the Dog and Duck that in order to make the races a little less biased towards the big teams, the French motel chain, Formule1 has been asked to build one of their cheap hotels at the grid on all of the tracks. The race would then offcially start with a randomly timed but simultaneous wake-up call for the drivers who would then have to use the communal bathroom, get dressed, pack their bags and check out (whilst a sole surly member of Formule1 staff attempts to get the computer booking system working and won't accept American Express) before being allowed to try and reverse their cars out of the badly-designed car park and onto the track, preferably at a blind spot just before the first corner...
Yuji Ide says he is close to signing for McLaren next year. Disputing rumours that he was dropped from the Super Aguri team after only four races because he couldn't drive a nail into a piece of wood, he has claimed 'F1 is a very political sport. I was faster than Sato in a straight line.' Mr Aguri has since said 'What rubbish. We fired him because he was terrible'. However, now it does seem that McLaren are interested.
Ron Dennis was more than usually sheepish on the subject: 'I'm not saying that we're not ever, in an ideal world, without any of the complications of sponsors and backers, thinking of possibly, maybe, sometimes in some form, including Yuji Ide in the broad, but brilliant, McLaren family'.
Ide, though, is adamant a deal is close. 'Yes, I have the contract to race alongside Alonso. I just can't find a pen to sign it with. Do you have one?'
Ron Dennis was more than usually sheepish on the subject: 'I'm not saying that we're not ever, in an ideal world, without any of the complications of sponsors and backers, thinking of possibly, maybe, sometimes in some form, including Yuji Ide in the broad, but brilliant, McLaren family'.
Ide, though, is adamant a deal is close. 'Yes, I have the contract to race alongside Alonso. I just can't find a pen to sign it with. Do you have one?'
Apparently the rumour mill has been churning out some interesting vibes recently. The F1-A Team (the sports ruling body) have been contemplating a late rule change that would exclude the teams running any wings on their cars at all. This radical step (if introduced) would be seen as an attempt to "make F1 technology more relvanat to road cars". The F1 A-Team chief Mr Massive Burns is reported to have spoken to uninterested journalists saying "My road car hasn't got wings, aeroplanes have wings, why do we need them in F1?" he contiuned saying "Getting rid of wings completely is the way forward both in technology terms and for the viewing public, you want overtaking? You'll get it!, and as for the drivers, well, it would soon sort out the wheat from the chaff!"
Me and my Car with David Coulthard
So David what kind of car do you drive?
I drive a Red Bull Formula 1 car.
Indeed. But what kind of car do you drive when you are relaxing?
I drive a Red Bull Formula 1 car.
Even when you're relaxing?
Yes, I have often found the most comfortable place on the circuit to be inside the car. Once you're in there you can shut off the rest of the world and start to relax.
Doesn't being relaxed mean that you'd drive more slowly
Well it used to at McLaren, but now the drinks bottle seems to give me that extra lift I need.
Do you mean that it's got Red Bull in it?
Don't be rediculous, I know we seem to sell everything we can lay our hands on but I don't believe Red Bull would possibly stoop to branding a drink! That's crazy talk.
Has anything amusing ever happened to you in your car?
No.
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So David what kind of car do you drive?
I drive a Red Bull Formula 1 car.
Indeed. But what kind of car do you drive when you are relaxing?
I drive a Red Bull Formula 1 car.
Even when you're relaxing?
Yes, I have often found the most comfortable place on the circuit to be inside the car. Once you're in there you can shut off the rest of the world and start to relax.
Doesn't being relaxed mean that you'd drive more slowly
Well it used to at McLaren, but now the drinks bottle seems to give me that extra lift I need.
Do you mean that it's got Red Bull in it?
Don't be rediculous, I know we seem to sell everything we can lay our hands on but I don't believe Red Bull would possibly stoop to branding a drink! That's crazy talk.
Has anything amusing ever happened to you in your car?
No.
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